Well, that does it. Grayce helped me figure out that I slept too much earlier today, and now I can't sleep at all. I keep sneezing and waking myself up...and I can't call in sick again tomorrow. My typical insomnia cure consists of reading Thucydides because good god, there's only so much of that one can take. But right now I'm not in the right mood. So I'm knitting.

Everythings a metaphor if you try, but I like knitting because it reminds me that the more I try to control it and make it perfect, the harder I make it for myself. Now I just need to work on being happy with the mistakes here and there.

Oh, Mr. Dissapointing may actually have some promise after all. I think I tend to shut people out too easily...usually after judging them too fast. There's a line from Eternal Sunshine..."most people aren't worth my time." or something like that. For me thats true, but I also tend to decide that immediately. (wonder if thats why my morality score was 10.) Anyway, I'm going to try to give him a chance. I'd like to avoid getting hurt, but hey...no pain no gain right?

Deep thoughts at 4am.

8am update. I just remembered that I watched Miss Congeniality on Tivo yesterday because Ali swore on a newly-armed cow that it was hilarious. It was absolutely horrid. This is also after we rented The Prince and Me, which was also horrid. And after a slew of chick flicks which Ali LOVES and I just go WTF!!!

Does anyone else think chick flicks are evil? I'd lump them with smut (romance novels) in the how-to-give-yourself-a-major-friggin-complex category. I'm not saying I don't enjoy said category...I just think it should come with a warning label. WARNING: Literary or visual consumption of this here smut will lead to unrealistically high expectations, consumer whore-ism, and increased consumption of Ben and Jerry's. No guy could ever live up to these fictionalized Adonis-es, who magically are absolutely gorgeous, well-endowed(romanace novels), gifted in bed, and yet sensitive and caring enough to truly, truly understand our beautiful (of course!) heroine. And what do they tell females they should do in order to get a male?

Holy cow. No words. Just no words.

I'm going to a wedding!

Called in sick to work today. I feel guilty not getting in to collect my pre-tax 80$(especially since I just turned all consumer-whore at the Banana Republic Fall Sale), but so fiendeshly happy at another lazy day. I really wish I had something more exciting to do besides drink peppermint tea w/ honey and read The Second Sex, but I can't complain...especially since I know what some of you are facing on your Mondays. (Sorry about the root canal Anna!)

During grade/middle/high school I never missed a day of school. When I caught bronchitis from Peter--damn you Peter!--in 7th grade my parents told me "our tax dollars are paying for you to be there!" and so I went. Going to college was a revelation...being able to say "hmm...I'm tired/sick/hungry. I don't think I'll show up today."

Of course, now the problem is that if I could, I'd say that everyday. It was nice not having the choice...when my parents were enforcing the everyday thing I never had to make the decision to play hooky. Now that I actually have to pretend to be mature, its harder than I thought to be as disciplined as they made me be.

When I decide that I'm going to be disciplined about something, then I am, and thats it. But if I haven't made that decision...thats when I get this waffly-I can't decide whether to go to work today-whats my excuse today-thing going on. I really could have gone in today...my voice is shot and I feel nastiness in my nose and throat, but I'm still clear-headed and work doesn't require me talking, so I could have gotten a few ELISA's in and set up some mice F2 breeding pairs. Instead, I'll probably end up going to the mall to exchange my peacoat for a smaller size. And the aforementioned tea and book.

I am a total bum.

I also need a job that I enjoy going to in the mornings. Although now that I've had the "you drive me crazy" talk with my co-worker and she totally became a better person, works actually been fine, just non-intellectually stimulating and not enough of it to fill the day.

Boy, this was a long post. Verbal you-know-what for the guilty conscience. I'll apply to more engineering jobs today...that will make the guilt go away. Northrop Grumman, here I come.

After the mall. (Purposely avoiding the Banana Republic where I gave my number to the salesguy while wearing my Sunset H.S. Ski Team vest. Yeah, I'm still in high school. Call me if you like jailbait. Whoops.)

I have no idea wtf I'm doing. But hell...I think I'm starting to be a happier person even so. And thats worth ALL the confusion. Life's about the journey, not the end result right?

Here I am stuck at home marinating in my own juices because of this damned virus/cold/whatever and my sole joy right now besides watching tv/my computer/reading/eating copious amounts of ice cream/not showering is enjoying breathing in this open jar of Vicks VapoRub. Then I look at the ingredients.

Active Ingredients: Special Vicks medication (menthol 2.6%, camphor 4.73%, eucalyptus oil 1.2%, spirits of turpentine 4.5%).

Spirits of Turpentine???!!!

That pretty much sums up my weekend.

Haven't gotten enough of this crazy internet yet? Try this.

Post what you get and I'll post mine. Then we'll discuss. Let's just say I'm not surprised my agreeableness is low, and my immoderation is high.

However, this test seems pretty easy to manipulate...(You know what to do to get it to tell you what you want).

i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
i want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me go, you know
i never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?

i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it go
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking
listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i wrote
don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
i'm tired of being the interesting one
i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and i might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
i want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
i want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words i want someone
who's not afraid of themself

do you think i'm asking too much?

(ani difranco...i only wish i was this lucid.)

Real Life had me rolling today. It took a little squinting to read, but wow. Most of the time the comics I read brighten my day, but occasionally there's a sunburst like this one.

So I met this guy, right? And he's cool and gives me butterflies when I see him. And a week later he actually calls and renews my faith in myself and in men...and then I get to know him and he's...dissapointing. It's like all that anxiety and anticipation were totally unnecessary. Particularly the anxiety....it was like being in middle-school all over again!

It's like finally opening up a birthday present and finding a toaster. I really hate dealing with dissapointment...usually I try to not expect so much in the first place, but I have never been able to do that with guys. (god, remember janacek? what a waste of air!) Life seems so much more gray and boring today. I want that frisson back!

(I guess I should clarify that Mike and I are taking a break or amicably broken up or whatever euphemism you want to use. If you want a better explanation give me a call.)

Fuck it. I'm moving to Texas and moving in with Wahby. Then I could play Katamari, go mountain biking and maybe go to law school with Anna. I'll find some body of water (its texas, i'm dreaming, i know) to kayak in and build a shack on it. I'll convince Ali to move down to take care of my four bf dogs, the rest of you will follow out of the sheer magnetic force of so many cool people in one place, and I'll be the coolest spinster ever.

Why is it so hard to find a physical AND mental connection?

Current love: One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Right now I'm thinking about two grad school options if I continue to not get engineering/biotech jobs.

Psychology/psychiatry or Law school. (that dr. phil comment was only half joking) My dad would absolutely love it if I went to med school, and it'd be nice to actually help people for a living instead of screwing them over. But I'd make tons more bank after law school to support my gourmet food fetish, and then I could jet-set and see all my friends : )

Hmm.

I'm like the stupid Jon Stewart fans...except in this case the only gaming news I get is filtered through Penny-Arcade. What is this Katamari Damacii and how can I play it? It looks absolutely ridiculous. Loves it! (I'm sorry, I saw The Simple Life one too many times and one of the blondes said Loves It! and it was just soo...uh yeah. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm the biggest dork ever.)

I'm your new best friend if you've got a PS2.

Hey Adam, I just noticed the time-stamps on the blogs seem to be off...I didn't post that last one at 6am...more like 11pm p-town standard time.

Having asian parents is like knowing that you're a perpetual dissapointment.

Real job => no longer living with my parents.

Btw, this entertained me today. I'm not quite sure when violence against polar animals became vogue, but hey, just go with the flow right?

Its funny what fighting with people will do to your mood...earlier I was running on the Manzanita shoreline and it was so beautiful and such a moment...and then this. Discord of any type always throws me for a loop. Of course, it wasn't just the parents...I had to talk with t-mobile and at&t again before I realized that we (the family) had just screwed ourselves out of money, and that always bothers my tightfisted little self. Like, I realize that people have to make mistakes in order to learn/know better, but I really Hate making them.

Ah well, things are always better in the morning. Time for some music and sleep.

I've been trying for a while to come up with a good explanation for my usage of twinkie, since in high school it almost always meant "asian outside, white inside". It's possible that its just an inside joke at MIT, but just in case it catches on, I want you to have heard it here first. Here goes...I'm going to keep adding to this as I think of it. I'm not quite sure which one of my friends came up with the name.

Twinkie's are the cream of the crop. MIT kids who think they are normal call the geeks twinkies. Therefore, twinkies are the geeks of the geeks. The weirdos of the weirdos. Oddballs squared. You can identify them by:
1. Perpetual BO from not showering.
2. Tendency to dress like hobbits: no shoes, scraggly hair, cloaks.
3. Tendency when not dressing like hobbits to dress like star wars/star trek/voyager characters.
4. Major awkwardness with the opposite sex.
5. Tendency to spout equations during random social settings. Leads to #4.
6. As Patrick noticed in his CS classes, a tendency to be a know-it-all...even while in a class as a student.
7. Tendency to avoid anything remotely physically active. Potbellys on people in their 20's are usually a good indicator.
8. For a visual aid, look up Peter Jackson. Notice the potbelly and the hirsuteness of said character. Twinkies worship Peter Jackson.

More later.

Xoxo,
May

So I was catching up with some of my friend's blogs when I found this on Ariel's.

"You know you’ve been coding in assembly for too long when you wake up in the morning (in this case yesterday morning) at 7:55 and think to yourself, “Aw Man, it’s 0x7F already?

I had an epiphany today that led to my good mood...I still like my job! The real reason I have been hating going into work is this coworker I have who drives me absolutely nuts. It took me a while to figure out the source of my work-related misery...I was really worried that a honeymoon period had misled me into liking it and that I still didn't have a clue what made me happy work-wise. Now I'm further convinced that I could do anything for a job and be happy at it as long as I get to work with nice people. So apparently I'm going to have to start my own company. (This was the advice of a guy I was complaining about this to.) Any of you want to start a company with me someday?

Anyhow, this really was an upper because I had been thinking that I don't seem to be passionate about anything saleable. As you can probably tell, I've been a little down lately...but its always worth it to be up again!

I finally figured out that a bunch of my friends from school have blogs, so I started reading a few of them. Wow. I've totally forgotten how much energy I get from being around friends. I've got Ali and Patrick, so I'm still pretty good, but its so nice to have tons of people around that you know and have a history with. Which is why this blogging thing is so great for life after college...you can get a touch of how it used to feel to be around everyone and their thoughts. What I'm trying to say is this: I love you all.

I'm so inspired to be a better person right now...read a new book, play some piano, see an indie film. I've been letting work bog me down and take away my inspiration for life. No more. No more.

Living is Fabulous. Thank goodness I finally woke up to that. (like my euphemism? I'm trying to change all the phrases that I use so constantly I'm sicking myself up. Apparently I also use "stupidest" a whole hell of a lot, which is grammatically incorrect. Ironic isn't it?)

I'm going climbing tonight with a bunch of people that I met at the rock gym, which is always fun. I love looking at my torqued, ripped hands after a night of climbing and feeling hard-core. And maybe I'll meet that Lewis and Clark law student again tonight and pick his brain over coffee/beer.

Oh, btw, Adam, the funny pages haven't worked for me in a week or so...I keep getting "server does not exist" like error pages.