I've been dating a new guy. (Not the other guy - he got dropped like a hot potato after claiming 4 years experience lead climbing and then failing the lead test...) Met him on okcupid and then found out he's a friend's roommate - apparently the friend sent him my profile and he was going to message me but I'd seen he'd looked at my profile and pre-empted him by messaging him. (So Typical - still have never actually been asked out since I just ask them...)

Every fricking thing he says aligns.

"I just can't see getting old and valuing anything I've done like being able to say that I've raised some awesome kids."

Gawd. I'm so trying to take this a day at a time but I've Never felt like This before and Never thought I could. Here's hoping he doesn't read the internet and get scared away, but omg I'm crazy about this guy! I've got the goofiest smile on my face after 3 dates and how many emails and good GOD I was supposed to be single for a year Ali's gonna be so MAD at me!

Even if this goes south...I have so much more faith in my sister-in-law's advice/testimonial that every guy she dated before my brother just got better and better. I Know what I like and want now, and even though I thought there was a shadows chance in the desert that I'd find it all in one package I'm completely spooked out when things look like I have.

Seriously. How do people who date multiple people simultaneously DO this??? I need flow charts! Venn diagrams! State diagrams! This unsettled aspect of meeting people makes me extremely antsy. Are we friends? Does he want to be more than friends? Do I want to be more than friends? What does that mean? And what about that other guy? What am I even looking for?

It's funny, because 2 days ago I was all sad about my lack of prospects.

Summary: my first "date" with someone I met online went well. He was much nicer than his profile would have suggested, and I think we got along pretty well. I had been hoping for that big neon sign above his head along with some lightning bolts, but I'm happy it wasn't 2 hours of agonizing awkwardness. He kinda reminded me of Peter, which dropped my guard. Damn you Peter! Stop making me feel so comfortable with strangers!

It's all kinda confusing though. Part of me is pretty happy not playing this dating game and just being single.

How do I make a decision where to live? I love my life in SF...right now. I could see being much less happy were certain cool people to graduate or go back to school or find different jobs. Or possibly more happy were certain ones to relocate here too. It works both ways. I can't make a decision based off of friends, right?

And yet, that somehow becomes my argument for returning to Portland. I've already got the friends, the know-how, the activities to do. There's enough new to explore but the comfort of the old, and the housing market is ripe for a hostile takeover. This is also a decent argument for going to Boston, or trying out Austin (whoa 100+ degree temperatures might be a big no on that one). So why change? Why move? And when? I do want a house...eventually. Maybe I don't actively want one now, but I could take on the responsibility right now. Should I do so just because I can? Should I change just because I've gotten comfortable?

Let's not even pretend this is about my career. I like my job. It affords me an excellent life full of travel and soccer and friends and being active and outdoors and eating good food. That's what I like about it. I have to work at being ok with that sometimes, but I'm ok with that.

Maybe I'm just uncomfortable not having any more goals to have. I don't really need the house, I'm ok without the man, I want a dog but that's still in the future. The job seems to be running itself. So now what?

Unquestionably it was the right decision. I feel happier, more free, almost elated sometimes with the options/opportunities out there. I'm re-thinking graduate school, I'm open again to moving elsewhere, and I'm closer to grasping that ever elusive concept of "knowing what I want". I see friends more, I work out more, I'm camping/hiking/climbing more, and I'm even almost ready to start meeting this first batch of online characters that I've been messaging.

Crazy how expectations can change so suddenly and permanently when you finally accept the truth.

I still miss him though. I miss the flowers, the smiles, the playful glances, the cuddles, the chivalry. The constant shopping even though it drove me crazy. The music that I never liked. Mostly the companionship - that we were in this together, and the mutual understanding of each other's needs. Stuff that I can see after 50 years completely shattering me, though it hasn't happened yet.

May Day
by Phillis Levin

I've decided to waste my life again,
Like I used to: get drunk on
The light in the leaves, find a wall
Against which something can happen,

Whatever may have happened
Long ago—let a bullet hole echoing
The will of an executioner, a crevice
In which a love note was hidden,

Be a cell where a struggling tendril
Utters a few spare syllables at dawn.
I've decided to waste my life
In a new way, to forget whoever

Touched a hair on my head, because
It doesn't matter what came to pass,
Only that it passed, because we repeat
Ourselves, we repeat ourselves.

I've decided to walk a long way
Out of the way, to allow something
Dreaded to waken for no good reason,
Let it go without saying,

Let it go as it will to the place
It will go without saying: a wall
Against which a body was pressed
For no good reason, other than this.

Pollan's latest piece hit home for me. Stolen from Amrys.

Strain 2+ cups yogurt
1/2 cup heavy cream + 1/2 cup sugar
combine and freeze in ice cream maker.

delicious.

I've been messing around with the idea of dating around on Okcupid because Sherv does, and therefore somehow in my mind that makes it less scary.

And then someone messages me, and I realize I'm totally not ready for this yet.

I can't believe I was so scared of this. Yay hedonism and living completely for the now, for now. And yay for boys, being able to play as much Rock Band as I want to, and for the joys of flirting with totally inappropriate people again!

The first time I heard Rodrigo Y Gabriela I thought they were flamenco guitarists...then I checked them out and noticed the heavy Metallica influence...

They're awesome.

Ok, I've blogged about it, put it as my status, and made it official on Facebook. This Internet life is weird and has it's own morality. Should I have waited for him to cancel the relationship on Facebook since I initiated the breakup? Will I hurt his feelings by broadcasting it? Or am I just saving my own by not having to say it aloud to friends?

I want kids, eventually. He doesn't know yet. It was inevitable, sad as all hell, and scary beyond belief to break up with him.

---

See, I thought this feeling
It was all that I had
But how could this be love
And make me feel so bad?
Gave up my power,
I existed for you
But whoever knew the voodoo you'd do?
But I, I loved the young man
And if you've ever been in love you'd understand
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don't catch it
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,
If you just let it

I just entered the drawing for the Nike SF Women's Marathon in October - click here if you want to too!

Here's hoping we all get in!!!

Dear Hungry-Car-Thief,

Thank you for not damaging my car. I Really appreciated that. Can I watch you in action sometime? Because I know I locked that car last night when I turned around specifically to make sure. But here we are, with no damage done, no windows broken, and nothing missing from the inside but 1 cliff bar from the inside and 2 granola bars from the trunk.

Do you want more granola bars? If you're hungry I'd be happy to give you some. Maybe we can work out a deal - you show me how you got in my car, and I'll get you a Costco box.

I kind of don't understand you, H-C-T. I'd expect violence, or joy-riding, or pure stolen goodness living in the neighborhood that I do. But you left me with all my possessions intact, and I'm not even angry at you because you seem hungry, and pretty skilled too. I care more what you think about me...if I install the Club that I just bought, will you be offended and vandalize it next time? If I restock the trunk with more Cliff bars, will you notice and take them? Are you going to do this every night? If so do you want me to restock the trunk? I wish I knew your motives. Anyways, thanks for not hurting my car. That meant a lot to me.

Sincerely,
May

is my little nephew Jason Lim. 3lbs, 6oz, a month early into the world. I can't wait to meet him and count toes and blow rasberries and snuggle!

You know that old brainteaser with the farmer, some wheat, a chicken, and a fox all needing to cross the river with a boat that only fits two of them? I kinda felt that way today, except it was me, J's bike, Caltrain, and $1900 worth of car maintenance. Yeah, that sounded more funny in my head. But I did end up locked out of the apt because my keys were in the car that needed to stay at the dealer which I'd forgotten while on the train to SF...long story. It was pretty funny. After I stopped beating my head into the wall.

Anyways, it's days like this, when the dealer calls with bad news, the DMV wants it's registration fees, the credit card is due, the smart part of you wants earthquake insurance in addition to paying the renter's insurance, and a host of other bills come calling...this is when I realize that I'm not ready for a house. Because a mortgage? And a broken hot water heater/gas line/mold problem/insert things that break in houses here that cost even more $$$... No Thank You.