Wow...yesterday was a really bad day. After an intensely frustrating, unproductive day at work, I was on my bike in the middle of the street when I fell over and got a nice road rash on my chin and palm. I'd post pictures, but all the ones I can take with my camera phone make me look like a sleep-deprived chipmunk. Luckily, my bike was only slightly banged up, so I straightened the wheel, rode to my tennis game, and played a nice game before getting pizza and beers with some crusty engineers.

Anyways, I think I've been stressing out a bit more than I should. After I fell off my bike, I really wanted to cry...but after a few minutes of being miserable it made me laugh. With all the gonads and strife in the world, it's hard to feel sorry for yourself for too long.

Thank god I have good days too. Vegas, here I come!

Why can't I give a shit about work?

I got an email yesterday asking whether the netlist file I use has a typo, and my boss had to respond that those aren't typos - that's the way the inductance divides out if you draw out the schematic. He then sent me a separate email telling me that he expects me to know and understand these netlists before I use them. Which is all understandable and reasonable. I should have looked at the netlists, which I did. I also should have known what the circuit model does, which I didn't and still don't. I have a vague idea that it's breaking up an RLC model into a number of branches, but I'll be darned if I could tell you that the R gets multiplied while the C gets divided without looking it up in a book and running it by a few people.

I stopped thinking for myself at MIT. I saw what truly smart people were able to do and decided that if I couldn't be like that, I wouldn't even try. That is the only plausible explanation I have for this. That I was so intimidated by what else was out there that I abandoned ship, causing an utter disdain/fascination for intellegentsia.

Since then I’ve been trying to get by with the absolute minimum. I keep hoping that something will happen to cause a 180, but it hasn’t happened yet. It gives me the willies worrying that all that potential that people used to see in me has...just...dissappeared.

I don't know why I didn’t care enough to learn anything at MIT. It may have just been too much, too soon. I would have done so much better had I started at 24, with the accumulated years under my belt. But back then...I may have opened up textbooks like everyone else was doing, but I certainly wasn’t absorbing anything from them. Even the classes I liked – the ones I thought easy – I still got C’s because I just didn’t put the effort in. In the bio lab…I didn’t care. I could do the physical job, and be there, but I really wasn’t there. I was thinking about what I was going to do after work, or on the weekend. And now that I have a real job…I’m being forced to admit that I still don’t care. I care enough that when I get stressed and am under deadline, I’ll put my hours in, and get the work done. But I don’t care enough to look at what I’m doing. To actually try and understand what’s going on. To be proactive about learning anything, about anything at all. Easy enough to fix, isn't it? Somehow, it isn't. I try to - I promise myself that Today is going to be The Day that I start learning, and thinking, and working. And then I start reading orangette. or wednesdaychef. Or some venture capital blog that I saw on Kristin's blog. I spend so much time in other people's heads that I can barely have an articulate conversation anymore.

I’m starting to think that this is just the way I am. That while I have the capacity to grasp it all, early on something switched off, and all I’m capable of now is going through a daily grind, thinking very little on my own. When I think about further schooling, the voice inside says “What makes you think it’s going to be any different?” When my dad asks me how I’m going to move up the corporate ladder, the voice says “Why would you want to do that? You’re already underperforming where you are now!”

I'm a big fan of the “work to live, not live to work” philosophy. I just can’t live with the feeling that somehow I lost the ability to even try. I'm so scared of so many things (low performance, being fired, figuring out what I really want to do and being bad at that too...) that it's really pissing me off right now and making me want to cry. And then I feel like a self-pitying little girl who can't deal with the real world and should just go be a receptionist and not think too hard lest she break her pretty little head. Yes, I'm hard on myself. It's another habit that I can't seem to break.

There you have it...the mental dump for the day. I'm scared, I'm scarred, I'm frustrated, I feel helpless, stupid, and awful. God, I feel like I'm back in middle school!

Thank god for these rice crispy treats.

I can't remember why I keep forgetting that Twizzlers, no matter what flavor, taste like ass.

They also make me think of the new book I'm reading, "The Omnivore's Dilemma" by Michael Pollan, which is scary. Right now, injesting 4 different corn byproducts sold to me by pretty packaging and a love for vending machines, I am forced to admit that I am a helpless part of the entire messed up system. This is going to change. Hello more expensive grass-fed beef! Goodbye cheap, unnaturally corn-fed beef - I'll miss you!

Why does doing the right thing always cost more?

1) I got back together with Justin. 1 year w/o men = 2 months in mayland, apparently.

2) This Repetitive Stress injury thing I have has just passed a new level of pain. I can barely write with a pen now. If you're slouching in front of your screen, sit up straight! Also, change to dvorak while you still can. Apparently I carry too much stress in my shoulders, so I'm supposed to breath deeper and relax. I'm not quite sure how different I am from everyone else, but I'll try it...

Continuing a conversation with Patrick about horrid grammar in emails and instant messaging...

I just got a work-related email with the subject line "did you get what you needed" and then continued "About the private model?" in the message body.

It's a subject line! Not extra space for your email! Yarrr!

I just met the cutest guy at work. I'm trying to recruit him to join my co-ed soccer team, but I really hope I didn't give off the "oh god you're the cutest thing I've seen in a while and I'm horny so please like me" vibe. Because I sure was thinking that.

ARRRGHGGHGHGHGHGHGHG I'm such a 'tard. I think he was just being friendly b/c he doesn't know that many people here yet, but I want there to be more!!!

It's hard not to want to have the world figured out at 24. I think J might be the one, I think J is definitely not the one. I want to date, I don't want to date. I want a cat, I want a dog, I don't want anything! Dammit, I was going to go a year w/o men!!! A year! Not 1.25 months, a YEAR!

Also, there is ferret piss on my jeans.

Thanks for letting me vent :)

You know what being truly connected is? It's being lost at night in the desert, and being able to call a friend who can figure out where you are and where you want to go. Thanks for saving my bacon Patrick!

BTW, if Intel ever sends you to Chandler, this Wild Horse Pass Resort is the swankiest hotel, and it's on their recommended list. I was like a country mouse in the city when the attendant asked me if i needed any help with my luggage or if he could park my car. There's a 111-ft water slide! I'm thinking about buying a skirt just to look nice enough to eat at their restaurant. This totally makes being in BFE worth it.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a very nice bathtub calling my name...

Me + travel + expense account + desire to try everything edible at least once = overstuffed.

I've been totally living it up...ordering multiple entries for lunch and dinner, buying a box of krispy kremes for the Chandler, AZ lab I'm working in, chalking off my late night smoothie at a hip coffeeshop to "dinner"...just because I can. I adore finding new places that 1) aren't chain restaurants and 2) come with recommendations, because it leads to 3) needing to try everything on the menu. (I'd never been to a Krispy Kreme and been given one of their free "hot now" donuts, so that was the chain restaurant exception.)

It's a complicated guilt trip: on one hand, compared to the cost of the hotel/car/flight down here, the food expense is a drop in the bucket. They're working me hard, and I'm under enormous pressure to deliver results before the end of next week. On the other hand, I stopped at three places that I found on Chowhound last night. Add in the complication that I always feel guilty wasting food, yet feel guilty finishing large quantities, and you've got one tormented mental state.

Thank god I woke up with a sore throat today. I've only been able to slip three mugs of hot/sweet tea, two donuts, an order of spicy green beans, and a crab/shrimp/tomato noodle soup down my greedy gullet. I think I'll try that Italian place for dinner...

My one consolation is that I went to a Chinese-Mexican restaurant last night. Chino Bandito, I kid you not, their panda mascot wears a sombrero, mustache, and sports a mean gun and ammo belt. I now believe that I have seen everything.

I was thinking about how tired I am of thinking all the time, when the thought "join the army!" flashed through my head.

The scary thing is, in the middle of drafting up my MSR (monthly status report, aka "what did I do all last month? uh oh...") it actually sounded like a justifiable idea.

This time for a while. I think we both just hit a point where the question becomes "could I marry this person?" And my feeling is that this is not a question that time answers, though he feels it is.

I need some time alone, some time spent figuring out what I want, not what "we" want, some time figuring out how to live the way I want to. I think it will be good for me.

But god it was hard to walk away.

This weekend I had my first experience in an ER!

Thursday Justin called, asking how I was doing, and explained that he'd just thrown up twice with possible food poisoning/virus/etc. I was feeling somewhat head-achey, but I finished up at work and headed up to SF, at which point I get a call from J's parents saying that he was in the ER, and that if I start feeling sick to pull over immediately. In between the morning and when I left work, he'd thrown up about 15 times, and luckily his roommate had gotten back to the apt and taken him in. So of course the rest of the drive up to SF I was worried, having sympathy gurgles in my belly, and driving like a maniac. Long story short, I collected him from the ER that night, I called in sick Friday, and we spent the entire weekend sleeping. It probably sounds better than it was.

The ER ended up putting him on Cipro and some anti-nausea drugs, restricting his diet to bland easily-digestible food, and I still don't know if I had it as well but something definitely knocked me out with a sore-throat/headache/fatigue, so it was really good that I could take Friday off. His dad (an internist) recommended that I knock down a bottle of Pepto-bismol, just in case I had E.coli in my belly and it was taking its time incubating. Apparently Pepto-bismol will kill all those nasties before they can overwhelm your system, so I tried it. Unfortunately, as with all preventative maintenance, I have no idea if it worked or not, but I'm mostly recovered from the flu-like symptoms with some residual fatigue/weakness and PB side effects. (black poo!)

I keep teasing him that I've got the stronger constitution...you'd think the vegetarian would have less risk, wouldn't you? I would. But with all the raw fish/eggs I eat I've only barfed two times in my life. (both alcohol related...I try not to waste food) I can't explain why I would be slightly ill and he would be so incredibly sick. The only thing we ate together in the food poisoning timeframe (24hrs) was a peanut butter/banana/honey/ciabatta sandwich on Thursday morning, so it's possible that it was from something he ate Wednesday, or it's possible it was the sandwish...it came and went, and we can only wonder.

Next weekend will be spent getting ready for a climbing trip to Bishop for Memorial Day weekend, so I'm glad this didn't kill any major plans, though it was the first weekend I've been in SF that we haven't gone to a cool new restaurant. Oh food, I love you so, why do you have to do this?

Anyways, keep some pepto-bismol in your cupboard, and drink the entire bottle if you start wondering if you're growing your own E.coli colony. That's the take-away lesson.

Sorry for the long absence, leaving you hanging about the details of my li'l ol' luv life. Justin and I are fine, in fact we just got back from two days in Yosemite with his parents. During his spring break, we went out to restaurants, went shopping (of course) with his parents, had dinner with his aunt, the aformentioned Yosemite, made freezer burritos for lunches, and I joined a soccer team and played in two games. I made a decent attempt at making peanut butter pie, Tom Yum soup, black sticky rice w/ mango, and some stuff I found on Orangette. I bought 1000$ of furniture: a couch, a loveseat, a chair, a coffee table, two end tables, and two lamps (good lord I'm still in shock, and so is my bank account!) after weeks of furniture perusing on craigslist. All in all, a very nice week together. And then of course, we promptly had a fight the first day back in school(him) and work(me). About Yosemite bouldering ratings, of all things. The honeymoon, as they say, is over.

That's not to say that the relationship is over, though, so no bad mouthing yet. Given that this is only my 2nd serious relationship, for things to be settling down and stretching and working through issues seems to be somewhat normal, especially after 14 months together. I'd like to lie and say it's easy, and if you were to ask me in person I probably would, but there's just something about blogging that makes me hang it all out there and say "to heck with it!" This is another good reason to stop...bring some personal boundaries back into my life.

There's also a physical reason I haven't been blogging: I'm on the way to developing carpal tunnel. My right wrist has been on fire lately, so I went to see the Intel nurse, and basically years of bad computer posture have left my tendons very irritated with me. And I have tendonitis in my thumb from those two years in the biology lab. And possibly tennis elbow. So, before I fall apart any further, I'm taking some time off from blogging. I've already stopped playing WoW, so this is the next step: less time spent on the computer, more spent outside/stretching/improving circulation. And the tendons in my mouth are still perfectly fine, so feel free to call me on my new RAZR...same number, new carrier, total BS that they castrated the phone though. Hey, it's good to know where your priorities are.

Talk to you in a bit.

Dear Verizon,

I am writing to express my utter dissatisfaction with the way you have limited the RAZR V3c's functionality. I waited until you released the RAZR to switch over to Verizon, because I wanted to be on the Verizon network and was excited about the RAZR V3c, but after receiving my RAZR I now wish I had stayed with T-mobile.

My complaint is this: why on earth would you take away the customizable Home Keys, only leaving the Down key for your customers to change? I love Motorola phones because of their customizable home keys. The fact that you took away three out of four of them and locked them to applications that, conveniently enough, try to sell me stuff at every opportunity makes me extremely irate. I normally would support you selling services through your phones, but I refuse to condone this blatant disregard for Motorola customers' wishes. By removing the functionality of the RAZR V3c, you have turned what was a remarkable phone into a piece of junk.

I will never buy a ringtone from Get It Now, or use any of your services other than what is included in my contract, or ever recommend you to another person because of this. For the next two years of my contract to be civil, I beg you to release a firmware upgrade to return this functionality to the RAZR V3c. It may just be an easy way to get more income from your customers, but for me it is the backbone of the phone.

Please consider restoring this functionality.

Sincerely,
May Lim

Go see Nightwatch. And then wait in anticipation for Daywatch, and Duskwatch.

It's epic, it's got vampires, and it's Russian.

I'm totally, totally bonkers. A nutcase. I'm so crazy, PMS was named after me.

God damn it sometimes I hate being insane.

I'll explain later, if I get the time. Gotta run to dinner and a movie with some alums.

-----------

Do you ever just freak out and think that you're doing everything wrong and then get stuck in a mental anxiety loop? I do. All the friggin time. I tried to break up with Justin this weekend, realizing during the process that I was too unsure of whatever the hell I had decided to go through with it.

Anyways, thanks to some timely advice from my brother and friends, I calmed down enough to get some air, some space, and realized that it's all in my head. And then tried, in vain mostly, to figure out what I want.

Anyways, I figured out two things.
1) Sometimes all I need is to be told "everything is going to be ok, and you're doing good."
2) That I'm pretty damn crazy.

I still don't know what the hell I want, though.